Thanks to @mortendk for finding this. I'm going to post i up here, because eventually I'm sure it would get removed for the original poster's awesome use of profanity. Someday I want to use this kind of a reply to someone, but I can never find the appropriate time.

The original post can be found at bugs.php.net.

From bugs.php.net

[3 May 9:23pm UTC] SOMERANDOMDOUCHE at gmail dot com
Description:
------------
Yeah, I would firstly like to mention how absolutely pissed off at PHP I
am. Your program must be the absolute worst programmed piece of software
in all of the net. You compete with Bill Gates in that regard.

Now that I have that off my chest, let me explain why your program
sucks. I have spent over 12 hours researching, reinstalling, etc etc etc
etc etc etc ETCETERA... All trying to get mysql into php. It won't load
the goddamn dll. Nothing in Event Log. Nothing anywhere, regardless of
errors=E_ALL, or "REPORT_STARTUP_ERRORS". I have fucking done it all.

ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO INTEGRATE PHP WITH MYSQL. THIS IS BECAUSE YOUR PROGRAM
SUCKS, AND YOU SHOULD ADD SOME GODDAMN ERROR REPORTING SO WE CAN AT
LEAST FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK ____YOUR___ PROGRAM IS DOING WRONG.
FIX YOUR SHIT. just fucking fix it.

Thanks. And fuck you sincerely, for making my life, and everyone else's
life, an utter atrocity. I'm going to Cold Fusion 8; Fuck you.

Expected result:
----------------
Nothing. Your blasted PHP program doesn't even report error messages
like it should.

Actual result:
--------------
Yay! PHP Works. Oh wait... no it doesn't. It isn't loading .dll's, and
it isn't reporting why not - maybe this is because PHP sucks? yup, i
think so.

[3 May 9:26pm UTC] SOMEGUY1@php.net

.

[3 May 11:02pm UTC] SOMEGUY2@php.net

I wanted to send you a unicorn and a rainbow by way of apology, but
realized you wouldn't be able to sign for it since your head is stuck
so far up inside your ass.